(written in 2007-08???who cares??) I'm in that nihilistic mood again where everything just feels so pointless and motivation to do anything is fading. I've been contemplating about getting a job in the medical field cause my current job is getting real depressing with all the dumb, degrading, unappreciated bullshit I go through for a slightly above minimum wage paycheck. A few people that I disclosed my interest of going into the medical field to were like, "that's a great sacrifice in life man, your career is going to be your life because people's lives will depend on your job, think about it". I thought about it and as far as personal time, I came to the conclusion I wouldn't really be missing much there. I don't have many friends and no woman is willing to be my significant other so no personal time is no real loss. Besides watching tv and porn, making comics and music that will never amount to anything beyond some shit that sits in my house, is all I do in my personal time really. In the grand scheme of things, the world won’t be missing much if I gave those up in favor for a job as a doctor or surgeon. But hey, in the grand scheme of things, being a doctor or surgeon is just going to be a lucrative career for me to merely distract myself from how I don’t have much to live for. Sure I’d be helping a lot of people, but then my motives were selfish.
But then, being in that nihilistic mood, I did even more thinking, and wondered, “and then what?”. Yes, get a high paying job saving lives, “and then what?”. Blend in with the rest of society as a respected citizen…“and then what?”. What is the ultimate goal? I keep hearing about happiness but fuck happiness, people just get miserable trying to attain it. Whether through indulging in drugs for inner peace or competing in the rat race of capitalism for the almighty dollar, the lust for happiness will conflict with reality. The whole happiness argument for justifying the existence of life is an idiotic paradox. Maybe it’s just the nihilistic mood talking. Moods aren’t forever. Nothing is forever. Not your happiness or anything else all smiley faced and positive. It ends. But you also gotta remember, if nothing is forever, than the bad shit in life is no exception. Sure good feelings are finite, which is bad, but so are the bad ones, which is good. Right now I’m obviously in a shitty mood that could lead to suicide if I keep focusing on how pointless everything is. Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow thinking the opposite just because of brain chemicals shifting or maybe something just happens to me while I’m walking on the street that distracts me from the pointlessness of life. Who knows? I don’t. I’m no fucking psychic, that’s why I don’t kill myself. Just have to wait out the bad shit and take your chances with something good happening, you never know.
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